


Jeong Jeong Warns of the Dangers of Getting Your Mail

by Piandaoist (piandaoist)



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Other, Reader-Insert, crackfic, jeongdao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 22:25:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13533783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piandaoist/pseuds/Piandaoist
Summary: Sometimes, Jeong Jeong tries to manage your life.





	Jeong Jeong Warns of the Dangers of Getting Your Mail

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of a story I posted to LiveJournal in 2007. Enjoy!

As you approach your door, Jeong Jeong glares at you through narrowed eyes. His hand grips the doorknob so you can't leave your home.

Your eyes narrow, your face pinches, and you feel the onset of a headache. How does he keep getting in when you keep changing the locks?

"Where are you going?" he demands.

"To check the mail."

"It is junk mail!" he insists.

You know he's right.

"I can't ignore my mail, Jeong Jeong. It isn't going to throw itself in the trash."

"But getting mail is dangerous. You are not ready. You are too weak!"

You look at your mailbox twenty feet away and wonder if Jeong Jeong understands how to get the mail.

"No, he doesn't," comes the Arrested Development Narrator's voice from inside your head.

Jeong Jeong responds with a stern, "Yes, I do."

"How did you know what I was think–"

Jeong Jeong's fiery glare wills you to be silent. He's the man who knows what color underwear you're wearing, and that's because you don't wear pants. But it's also because he knows Magic Gung Fu. He's like a scrawny Asian wizard.

"I will train you," he says.

"To get my mail?"

"Yes."

"Get it yourself, Jeong Jeong."

"Tampering with other people's mail is a federal offense, you oaf!"

"Where's the lie?" the Arrested Development narrator asks.

"To get your mail," Jeong Jeong continues, "you must first walk through your front yard. There are many dangerous people lurking about. What do you know about your neighbors?"

You live on the Internet. You know nothing about your neighbors.

"Look at that man in the yard two houses down from you, flitting about."

Meanwhile, you're having an imaginary Internet fight with your online nemesis about–

**"CONCENTRATE!"**

He growls at you when you apologize for your lapse in concentration.

"Who is he? What do you know of him?"

"Who?"

Jeong Jeong fumes, blowing smoke out of his nostrils. "The man over there!" he points.

"Oh, right! Hmm," you say. "Hmm.. I live in a nice neighborhood. He's a quiet, middle-aged white man. He's probably a serial killer!"

You hope Jeong Jeong notices your sarcastic tone.

"He doesn't," comes the Arrested Development Narrator's dull voice.

Jeong Jeong throws your pepper spray at your head while you're sorting him into a Hogwarts House. You catch it before it smacks you in the eye and, for a fleeting moment, he smiles.

Finally, you've earned the Master's respect.

The AD Narrator says, "You haven't earned his respect."

He's right. Jeong Jeong's frown returns.

"What's your problem, JJ?"

"What's my problem?! My problem is that you do not understand how dangerous getting the mail can be. The speed limit on this road is thirty-five miles per hour. But, most drivers feel the need to drive as if they're on the open highway. You could get hit by a speeding car!"

"I don't cross the road to get my mail."

"Shut up! What of that man who keeps waving at you?"

You remember your Always Sunny In Philadelphia training. As this new stranger inches past your house, you give him an Ocular Pat-down. You find no sign of weapons, and he needs to start wearing a bib.

"He's like…seventy, and he weighs about three hundred pounds, and he's in a wheelchair. I'm pretty sure I could take him if I needed to, Jeong Jeong."

You ignore the Narrator when he says, "You can't take him."

"You are a fool! Do not underestimate your opponent." Jeong Jeong screams.

"He's not my opponent."

"You must recognize the dangers in your life and confront them. Do not deny that they exist. READY YOUR PEPPER SPRAY!"

You refuse to pepper spray a disabled elderly man.

He sighs. "I once had a student like you who thought he could take on the world. He refused to listen to me. He embraced his own destruction."

"You're talking about Zhao, aren't you?"

"NO, I'M NOT! SHUT UP!"

Jeong Jeong's eyes widen when we both hear the Narrator say, "You were talking about Zhao."

Your phone vibrates. It's your Significant Other. They want to know if you want to Netflix and Chill later. You text them that Jeong Jeong's there so it'll have to be Netflix and No Chill.

You smile when "I've got this" comes up on your screen.

Moments later, right about the time Jeong Jeong would scream at you to "Widen your stance!", his phone rings. You hear his Adele ringtone, and you know why he's upset today.

"Ah, breakup ringtone," you say.

"Shut up!" he hisses. "We didn't break up!"

"They broke up," the Narrator confirms while Jeong Jeong lets the call go to voicemail.

"He told me he needed "personal space", he grumbles.

"Were you arguing with him while he was using the bathroom again, Jeong Jeong? You know how much he hates that!"

"Shut up, no!" he insists. But you can tell by the way he stares at the ground, taking in a deep breath, that he's lying. You hope he doesn't care about your weeds or that you haven't mowed in a month.

"Yes," he admits, still looking away. He thinks you can't see that small tear hanging from his lash.

Well, this is a fine mess. You can't have Jeong Jeong staying with you while he and Piandao sort out their business. The last time he stayed with you, he ate all your Doritos. Now he's training you to get your own mail? You aren't feelin' it!

"Pretty sure you're over-reacting," you reason. "He probably just wanted you to leave him alone while he was pooping."

Adele breaks the awkward silence that rests between you, Jeong Jeong, and your mailbox. He flips his phone open and hits the "Talk" button as Adele's voice cracks on a high note.

"What?" he grouses.

There's a heavy silence as he shifts his gaze between you and your mailbox.

"Fine!"

After another brief silence, he slams the phone shut, shoving it into his pocket. After he's spent a few angry moments breathing and feeling the sun, you point to your mailbox.

"I should get my mail now."

He pulls the lid down, grabs the mail, then lets out a long, defeated sigh.

"It's not your mail," he mumbles. He points to a house where a hunched-back elderly woman struggles to tend her garden. "It's hers."

You reach for it. "I'll take it to her," you say.

He jerks it away, throwing it back into the box. He slams the lid shut, putting the flag up.

"Are you mad?! Do you have any idea of the dangers that could be lurking over there?"

"Jeong Jeong–You know what? Never mind. I'm sure–"

His phone beeps. He freezes, looking at you with pleading eyes.

"You, uh, wanna check your message, Jeong Jeong? It might be from Piandao," you sing, offering him a sweet smile.

"I don't care," he grumbles.

He hasn't turned his phone off. There's still hope you can get him to go home to Piandao. There is also the possibility that he doesn't know how to turn his phone off.

You sigh, putting your hand on his shoulder. "I hate texting," he admits.

You open his phone to find Piandao addressing you with a series of short texts.

\- thx 4 helping jj with his phone

\- ill get him outta ur hair

\- b over in 5!

His final text, "want 2 netflix & chill?" sends shivers down your spine. The last time you and your partner Netflix and Chilled with them, it got weird.

You don't like weird.

You don't want to talk about it.

You can't talk about it.

If you talk about it, Piandao will have to kill you.

"We're getting some take-out and going to bed," you text back. If anyone can understand how exhausting Jeong Jeong can be, it's Piandao. You're relieved when he sends you a "sleep well" text. There isn't enough therapy in the world to cover another round of Netflix and Chill with them.

Your partner and Piandao arrive, and not a moment too soon. Jeong Jeong's been in your house for the past two minutes and he's touching your stuff. Through the open window, you hear him say, "Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!" as one of your metal pans clanks against your linoleum floor.

Piandao peers through your kitchen window, letting out a long audible sigh. "Step away from the sink, Jeong Jeong."

Jeong Jeong stomps over to you, thrusting damp laundry into your arms. "Do not wash lights and darks together. It is savagery!"

"I don't care," you groan.

"Do you see the way they live, Piandao? They have a coat rack but they throw their coats into a pile in the chair. The bed is never made. It is–"

"Savagery, I know," Piandao nods.

"We turned it into a drinking game," you say. "Every time Jeong Jeong says "savagery", we take a drink."

"We got pretty lit last week when you were over here changing the Brita filter," your partner laughs.

Piandao chuckles while Jeong Jeong looks at you like he's the Death Star and you're Alderaan. He sputters, but his resolve to scream at you crumbles under the weight of Piandao's gentle touch. He smirks when Piandao whispers in his ear.

"Oooh," Jeong Jeong coos, then he whispers, "Savagery…"

You snigger when Jeong Jeong smacks Piandao's butt. Then, Piandao purrs when Jeong Jeong pets him.

Granny Across the Street grabs your attention when she slams her mailbox door shut. She glances over at the four of you as Jeong Jeong and Piandao mount their eelhound. She hisses and Piandao hisses back.

"I should give her her mail."

"Nah," your partner says, "Do it later."

You both watch as their eelhound lunges forward in a blur. Like the Millennium Falcon going into hyperdrive, or the Enterprise going to warp, or like your last paycheck going toward bills, they're gone!

Granny mumbles that the neighborhood is "going to shit" before she storms inside her house. You shrug because you don't care about the neighborhood.

Hours later, you're awakened by furious banging on your front door.

"Jeong Jeong, why don't you break in like you always–"

You fling the door wide open. Granny, brandishing her walking cane in one hand and a switchblade in the other, leers at you.

The knife clicks open. The orange light from a nearby street lamp flickers out, casting your porch in darkness.

"You got my mail, _Motherfucker_?"

Jeong Jeong was right. You're not ready.


End file.
